How to succeed as a Hollywood assistant:
1. Go the extra mile
Don’t be afraid to outshine everyone else in your office. Polish your shoes. Pick up your boss’s mistress’s dry-cleaning. Wear an adult diaper to avoid running to the bathroom during a call! Be bold and be strange. You think Brian Grazer was a normal assistant?
2. Work as much unpaid overtime as required (or more!)
If you live under your desk and bathe in the kitchenette, you never have to leave! Instead of sleeping, catch up on e-mails and color-code spreadsheets. Instead of eating, don’t. Lunch breaks are for filing!
3. Ask for a demotion
Your boss will be so flabbergasted by this bizarre request, he’ll probably promote you! Then turn that down. Now his mind will be even more blown, and he will almost certainly offer you his own job.
4. Make yourself available 24/7
Work/life balance is for temps. Make sure your boss can contact you while you’re in the shower, on the toilet, at a funeral, and during sex! Reply to emails in the middle of your wedding vows — they’re all “URGENT!”, so your betrothed will understand.
5. Quit all your hobbies
Stop wasting time on softball, reading for pleasure, or exercise! Who needs a moving novel when your job makes you cry in the bathroom every day? Who needs a gym membership when you can break your back unloading cases of La Croix?
6. Compare yourself to others constantly
How else does an assistant measure their success except by cackling at those who work at less prestigious offices? Simply check Facebook 800 times a day to keep tabs on where you stand! Make sure to congratulate those who find work at fancier companies in case their coat tails ever grow long enough for you to ride. Fail upwards, baby!
7. Shut out your non-industry friends
If you’re ever not working, you should be talking about work. Seeing people with “other careers” who “get out of work at 5pm” and “have a social life” will only distract you. Embrace your new normal and surround yourself with other, equally overworked assistants! Via email.
8. Forget your creative ambitions
Whatever you wanted to be before you took the job no longer exists. You no longer exist. There is only rolling calls.
9. Never take any time off
It will trick you with feelings like “happiness” that you cannot keep.
10. Read The Salmon Pages.
For more great advice you should definitely take!
The Salmon Pages is a satire site about all things entertainment industry — it’s Hollywood News, Punched Up! Get all the latest Hollywood gossip and breaking news from medium.com/the-salmon-pages, brought to you by editors Helen Burak (@helenburak), Tyler Eaton (@TylerEaton1), and Nick Watson (@_njwatson).
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