Why Aren't Your Contacts Helpful?

One of the biggest complaints we hear from job seekers is that they know networking is critical to their success, but their network is tapped out and unhelpful. They get ghosted. Their contacts say they will help and nothing materializes. No one they know knows anyone else they can introduce them to. It’s all exhausting, grossly transactional, and fruitless.

But there’s more to the story here, and more often than not, job seekers get trapped in negative self-talk and circular thinking. Here are some things to reconsider as you network.

Let’s start with ghosting. It happens a lot, and yes, it sucks. But it’s not necessarily a sign that someone doesn’t want to help you! Sometimes (often!) it’s a sign they got caught up in their own lives. If you’re ghosted by a close contact or someone you have a relationship with where their lack of response is surprising, follow up! How many times do things get lost in your inbox? You never know if they just had a busy week and flagged your message for when they’re free. Even if they don’t respond to your initial follow up, you can make a note to reach out in a month or two to set a coffee to catch up. The world, as you may have noticed, is increasingly chaotic, and many people are unsurprisingly dealing with low bandwidth. Instead of thinking the person secretly hates you, assume they are busy, give them grace, and follow up before you write them off. However, if the person who ghosted you is someone you don’t know well at all, someone you haven’t spoken to in many years, or someone you reached out to cold, you can follow up once just in case they were busy, but we recommend you drop it after that. If you absolutely MUST meet this person (and be honest with yourself about why), see if you can find a warmer way in through a closer mutual contact. Something as simple as asking that trusted person to say “I was just chatting with {your name}, and they mentioned they were interested in {what target contact does}. Is it ok if I reconnect you?” 

The next big roadblock is promises for help that don’t materialize. Here, it’s good to take stock of what you’ve asked for. Were you clear about the help you needed, or did you ask for something vague, like “a job?” Did you follow up? As above, people are busy and self-absorbed, so if you reached out to someone six months ago and haven’t touched base since, they probably aren’t thinking about how to help you. Another thing to consider is whether you approached them with mutual interest and respect. Have you helped them? Is there something you could offer them that would be helpful? If they gave you advice or connected you to someone in their network, did you take that advice, capitalize on the connection, and follow up to thank them or let them know how it went? Lastly, consider whether they did, in fact, help you. Often, we think of our contacts as “unhelpful” if the one meeting or conversation we had with them didn’t lead to a job. But did it lead somewhere? Did they add you to a Discord board? Send you a job posting? Introduce you to a colleague? Share an insight with you about their work or the hiring landscape?

Along the same lines is the common trap most job seekers fall into, believing that if friends/contacts knew someone to introduce them to, they would. But be real with yourself for a moment: Are you constantly thinking about all the people you know and all the people they’d want to meet, while tracking their job searches or prospects? Probably not! And your contacts aren’t either. Most of us need a gentle ping. A quick “Hey, do you know this person, and can you introduce me? I’m really interested in learning more about their work in [X], because I have an interest in [something adjacent to X].” Or even, “Hey, I really want to make inroads in [Y] space. Do you know anyone I can talk to who works in that area or who might know people who do?” You’ll need to do some of the heavy lifting to connect the dots for your contacts before writing them off.

Sometimes, you’ll find that even with all this advice a contact is unhelpful. They could be a know-it-all, negative, unresponsive, or self-centered. Anything is possible, especially with the big personalities in Hollywood. But you can and should move on from those people. You don’t need them, and some day when they need you, you can decide how you respond from your position of power.

When you zoom out this way, you’ll find networking a lot more straightforward and effective. Just remember your job search is really big to YOU, but your network has a lot of other things going on, and the onus is on you to drive the process. And wherever you can, lean into mutuality to build sustainable relationships where your outreach and requests feel natural.